So…
Ummmm…
Are you sitting down for this?
I joined a gym.
Yes; you read that correctly my lovely people.
I have slipped that little nugget in as many conversations as possible over the last fortnight, and I must admit, that actually feels better than a session in the sweat box itself.
I need to do this and I am actually (surprisingly) loving my new freedom of slipping away and doing something good for me.
Oh but wait; on joining the gym, I had to go have an “assessment”.
Mmmm…yeah…I get that. Fair call. Check out if all my bits and bobs are ticking along OK.
THIS IS HOW IT WENT :
Young, fit, cute, heavily after-shaved, boy-man : Hi. Great to have you here Anna. Here at this gym, we encourage a fit and healthy lifestyle, so my job today is to blah blah blah and help you kick off your blah blah blah goals.
Me : Nodding along thoughtfully…Terrific. (OK, Anna, focus. Make the most of this opportunity. Is my phone on silent? I hope it’s on silent, but what if creche calls? Oh bugger…focus…did I put the chicken breasts out to defrost?)
Him : BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH So Anna, why are you here?
Me : Well…ummm…summer, beach, bathers…that’s why we’re all here isn’t it? (Dammit; did I actually say that out loud?) Oh, and to make a healthier me…of course…
Him : BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH…lifestyle choices….BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH…no dieting…
Me : No dieting? Awesome. (wonder if they sell hot chips in the cafe downstairs?)
Him : BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH…Right. Let’s go workout!
Me : (Workout…Work out? What’s to work out? Treadmill…Foxtel…headphones….go) Sure; let’s do it.
Him : Now, Anna. This is a BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH…core
Me : (Oh core. Yeah. I know those. The inside of an apple that my kids never discover after taking 2 bites and tossing it out.) Uh huh…yep…I’m feeling that…
Him : BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH…repetitions
Me : (Lord yes. I know all about repetitions. Every day. Get up…small kids…food wrangling…toilet disasters…Peppa Pig…bed time…and REPEAT) Wait? I have to do that more than once?
Him : BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH Anna? Do you remember what this piece of equipment is called?
Me : (Really? A test in lesson 1? Mate…I could think of many names for that metal torture device, but I had best keep them to myself) Sorry; I was away with the fairies. What’s it called again?
Him : BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. Now, time for some lunges.
Me : (Oh, I know these! I’m good at these! I do them regularly when my daughter takes off running for the kerb and I have to dash and lunge after her with an extra stretch to grab her hoody). Yep…I totally feel the stretch. And repeat. Terrific. No problemo. Easy peasy. (Wait…is this pain NORMAL?)
Him : BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH Now you can have your own time on the treadmill.
Me : Great. Thanks for that. Terrific. (And see you later. Yes. I can do this…on…headphones in…mindless rubbish on the screen…bit of an incline…bit of speed. Smashing it. Check me out. But WHAT??? Of all the treadmills in the joint and you had to pick that one. Superwoman has leapt up beside me, pounding neon shoes, sweat flying, running wildly…sneaky look across and she has hit a speed of 10 and climbing…
Ah fark it.
I’m done.
That man totally mentioned I needed to HYDRATE AND RECOVER. I totally have that one covered. I guess the big question is; red or white?)
#NB : This is written (a little) tongue in cheek. I am all for a fit and healthy lifestyle and understand the importance of exercising safely at the gym. It’s just been a little bit of a shock after some time away from it…like nearly forever…but I am heading back there later on.
WHIP IT; INTO SHAPE! (are you singing along?)
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