Oh I live a glamorous life indeed.
This morning I popped in to the shops and did a quick spot of grocery shopping.
Yes; I am a mum, and yes, I did put the word ‘quick’ in a sentence about grocery shopping.
Obviously I was kid free.
The tiny wreckers were being looked after and I had just been to the gym (seriously, I am going to slap that pearl of a line in any chance I get because I am so bloody proud). As I sailed home, with the radio cranking, the window down, belting out the Biebs at the top of my lungs, I saw the supermarket. “Well,” I wildly thought, “Why not?” and pulled in with reckless abandon. It was an unscheduled stop that was not required to rebuckle a renegade seat-belt, mop up a spilt drink or race to a public toilet.
I leapt out of the car with giddy glee. I didn’t even have my green bags or a shopping list with me. I know; flirting with danger, walking a thin line; simply crazy, right??!!
And so this is what DIDN’T happen :
I slid out a trolley. I did not have to referee a fight about who was in the trolley and who was walking. There was no wrestling with the flippity seat that never flips down smoothly, or the seat belt that is more often than not broken.
I rambled. I wasn’t on a frantic ‘get in, get out: just survive’ mission. In fact, I tasted the cheese the aproned lady had on a platter and even participated in polite chit chat for a moment.
I strolled on past all types of people. I did not have to smile apologetically at the older lady whom my son may have pointed to squawking, “But why does she have whiskers on her face like daddy?” Or quickly distract my kids by looking at something random like a cow on the milk carton as we passed somebody mildly obese. Yes; talking about differences to our kids is invaluable, but just let me get through my shopping without praying the ground will open up and swallow me whole when my kids loudly point out these differences.
I perused the magazine section. I did not have to explain to my son that the new release video he was now grabbing for cost as much as our daily food requirements, PLUS he had already seen it.
I smiled at the elderly. They moved right on by. Not interested in me today. I did not have to stop and explain in response to their kind enquiries that my kids hair colour was possibly from their Daddy’s side, or that they did indeed have lovely singing voices, albeit loud.
I selected fruit carefully. I did not have to ask my son to stop picking up fruit and smelling them…or worse.
I took my time in the confectionary aisle. Remember that strip of heaven, parents? The aisle we often pretend does not exist and avoid at all costs? I did not have to peel a screaming child off the floor screaming about kinder surprise eggs or marshmallows. I bought myself a decadent treat and planned to undo every step I took on that treadmill.
I compared prices. I did not hammer frantically through the meat section throwing anything that looked vaguely edible and affordable in my trolley. I even returned an item to its original home when I found something of better quality, as opposed to just sucking it up and getting on with it. This is often because the kids might now be racing each other down the aisle containing shelves of delicate pasta sauce jars. The fear is real, my friends.
I completed my trip in one, fluid visit. I did not have to find an attendant, desert my trolley and walk/run frantically to the nearest public toilets. In fact, I kind of needed to go to the loo, but madly, I was able to hold on and was not compelled to grab at my private parts whilst dancing in circles denying the need to go to the toilet until the last possible second.
I was charming at the checkout. I entertained the thought of even using self service, but of course unlike any time I do have kids with me, the queues were quiet and I was waved happily into an empty checkout. I did not throw items desperately on the conveyor belt whilst trying to rebuckle my daughter in and protect the egg carton single handedly. No; I was witty and relaxed. I nattered about bargains and I even offered my loyalty card before she even had the chance to ask for it.
Today, I made good choices. I did not break out in a cold sweat once and I did not feel the desire to cry to the checkout lady when she politely asked how my day had been. I returned to my car and I did not have to swear wildly under my breath when I realised the trolley return was miles away and I would have to get the kids back out of the car and take them with me. I did not have to rummage frantically through every single bag for the lollipops I had bought as a reward (or a bribe) and I did not have to double check on everyone’s toilet status.
I did, however, find that chocolate treat and I ate it slowly, savouring every last bight for myself.
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