To all my lovely new morning drop off school parents : If you see more than, hmmmm…let’s say 3 of the characteristics listed below as I approach the school gate….do not…I repeat, DO NOT approach me…(unless you have chocolate and a sympathetic ear).
- Look at my 3 year old daughter’s hair carefully. If it is in pigtails; all clear. If it is in one giant fountain bunched on top of her head, proceed with caution. If it has not had a brush within a cooee of it, beware. (If it is in braids or anything fancier, well clearly we must have a relative staying.)
- If I am swinging my car keys about savagely and it is a clear sky (given we are within walking distance) we have clearly been running late. Though this regularly seems like the fastest option, chances are I will arrive flustered from the parking hustle and be wondering whether it was actually worth it. If I am muttering away to myself, I may just be pathetically tallying up whether I actually saved any minutes at all by wrestling the savages into the car.
- Toothpaste smears around the faces of my kids are actually a partially positive sign. It means I have a) remembered to get them brushed and b) let them do it themselves. But chances are that if it has dribbled down to a freshly ironed school shirt, I will be frothing!
- The kids shoes are on the wrong feet and I either haven’t noticed yet, or WORSE, I had bigger fish to fry and just didn’t quite get to it.
- I am wearing odd shoes (well…flip flops more likely and yes, yes, I have done this and only noticed halfway through the morning school song).
- If you see a tiny pair of undies poking out the top of my handbag, it means my confidence (no not in regards to MY own pelvic floor issues thanks very much; the small child) has recently been shattered in regards to her toileting abilities…possibly that very morning, and possibly just as we were heading out the door. All credit to her, this is exceptionally rare nowadays, but I promise you, if I don’t have a spare in my bag, it WILL happen.
- The big one has no hat on and his shirt buttons are all done up crooked.
- He has no back pack. (again…yep…I got all the way to pre-school one morning without bags for either kids-seething I tell you!)
- Do not be fooled by the obvious; flip-flops as per usual, yesterday’s clothes on again, hair smashed up in a mess on my head, no make-up; these are actually all very normal. However, do look for the finer details…undies tucked in my dress is clearly not OK, more than normal greasy hair clouded by dry shampoo, possibly makeup slapped on with good intentions and then not blended due to a ‘disruption’ of sorts, no perfume or worse still; no deodorant.
- If they are both joyfully shoveling donuts in their trap and I swing deliberately past the teacher on duty with a, “Go on; say something; I dare ya!” look of pure evil in my eyes, RUN.
RUN fast and do not look back.
But of course, I know the reality is, you won’t even look.
You may be kind enough to notice I’m a little flustered and manic already (have you met my kids?), but you won’t even blink at yesterday’s dress.
You will be so damned busy pulling your own knickers out of your undies, dabbing forcefully at your own kids cereal stain and hastily smudging make-up in, that I am hoping I will fly under the radar.
And after all, it normally takes one simple, innocent, good-bye kiss from my big boy, to smooth most of this away….most of it…
Can’t wait for afternoon pick-up.
Tipping it will be raining.
