This morning it occurred to me that I have sailed (albeit a little shakily) into the next stage of parenting….
But let’s just start at the start, shall we.
STAGE 1 :
Maternity leave (before the baby arrives). This is possibly a few weeks (if you’re lucky) of forced rest before the little bundle roars. Now if this is your first baby, this time involves a lot of rolling over, luxuriously stretching out sideways across the bed and falling back to sleep GUILT FREE when your partner leaves for work. It includes cake, massage and genuine Netflix series bingeing, because EVERYONE is telling you to rest up. Hell yeah! Sure!! You are slowly lulled in to a false sense of security about how easy this whole ‘baby’ thing is going to be. In fact, you may even hit pause on ‘Orange is the New Black’ to check out online courses you might take on during this ‘time off’. You may even think that you are ‘tired’…..but, sweetheart….you have NO IDEA!
STAGE 2 :
Day becomes night; night becomes day. Baby is here. The belief that you can do and be everything slowly disappears in a fog of wet wipes and exhaustion like you have never felt before.
STAGE 3 :
You have so got this! You don’t need all that sleep. Sleep is for the weak. You don’t even need to wash your hair every day, because that time could now be spent chopping fruit and making home made play dough. You are goddam SuperMum.
STAGE 4 :
Same sh*t, different day. Groundhog Day…week…month. You find yourself humming along with the washing machine and fist pumping the air when you finally find the right brand of yoghurt tubs that the kid likes.
STAGE 5 :
Time to reclaim ‘me’. You realise that wearing baby vomit down your front is not really ‘OK’ and it may actually be time to throw out the maternity jeans that you have stretched beyond redemption. You may even buy some type of blender and bang in the good stuff first thing in the morning….the greener the better…and then chow down on a Chokito once the baby is asleep.
STAGE 6 :
This is the point you will decide to write a children’s book. A return to work is looming and suddenly you panic, how can you leave your little person. How can you make the big bucks from home….????
STAGE 7 :
Which brings me to now. This is where I decide that I will win every competition I see. I KNOW Nova’s $50,000 Mystery Word, dammit!! Why can’t I get through on the phones? As you hover your finger above the number waiting for the invite to start calling, you mentally start planning exactly how you might spend it (after all, I am at home!! I can listen to the radio ALL DAY LONG; I can WIN this!! Surely???) But, that little brain gets diverted with the promise of a family holiday to Bali and the phone is in your hand and the joke is in your head and next thing, Pangy remains expressionless and even my divine Chrissie, who I know I could be friends with, just doesn’t laugh.
And I am left with a lovely Bertocchi ham and a new plan is forming to try a different food colour in my next batch of play dough.
Ho hum.
Is it time yet for the next crack at the mystery word, because I really need to keep my phone clear to call through…..?
* Check me out throwing a joke that falls flat (about 3 mins in), after bribing the kids with breakfast skittles, and then hiding from them in the toilet whilst on hold to #nova.
Nova : Make Sam laugh Competition
