BREAST FEEDING : “THE WEIGHT JUST FALLS OFF YOU!”

Simple really.

All you need to do after pushing that dream out, is slap them on your boob and off you go. Perfect post baby weight loss solution. The weight literally falls of you, or so I was told. And then I was told again…. and again. I even saw it happening with my own eyes as the weight fell off my sister and friends. I was envious. I waited. I watched. I weighed.

In the meantime, I was elbows deep in sudocream, desperately juggling maternal health checkups and follow up appointments, smiling giddily at visitors and staring unblinkingly into that swirling mist of sleep deprivation.

Why did I care? I watched as the other women in my Mothers’ Group slipped their old jeans back on and effortlessly slid their breasts out to feed (without desperately struggling to hide their stomach roll). I shook my head sadly along with them as we all ‘grieved’ for our pre-baby bodies.

But I was hiding a dark secret.
You see, I never actually had an especially wonderful pre-baby body. That stomach roll was actually there before my little bundle of joy stretched it further. Despite my fantasies, I was never actually going to simply ‘bounce back’ after pregnancy. In fact, I was bloody starving. I was breastfeeding until my teeth hurt and I felt hollow. I was snacking…possibly…no definitely, too much. I even ate weetbix at 3am to try to stop that nauseating hunger. But, my little boy was thriving, and really, that was all that mattered. I chose to look after me. I ate that gooey cheese dammit, and I discovered chocolate custard donuts. I was not ideal and I do not wish to encourage unhealthy eating; after all, the health of our babies is inextricably linked to both our physical and mental health, but I am learning to relax and roll with it.

We place so much pressure on ourselves to be the ‘yummy mummy’ and yes, perhaps even the ‘MILF’, ridiculous stereotypes that I once certainly helped foster by giggling along and labeling other women. We really need to just cut each other some slack. If doing stomach crunches when the kids are asleep floats your boat, do it. Alternatively, if it is the furtherest thing on your mind and you just want to stare mutely at the TV for a while, it is OK. Do whatever it takes to get you through.

My baby is nearly two now (wowsers!) and I really need to start passing on those custard donuts, but that’s for me to work out whenever it’s right for me. So despite Husband’s extraordinarily dangerous query recently as to how long one is supposed to wear maternity jeans (*#!!#$), I still wear mine around the house. They are my go to, stretchy, comfy jeans and I will wear them proudly.