THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN MY NIGHT

On
Saturday night, I curled up on the couch beside Husband who was ‘watching’ the
footy and snoring simultaneously. Our babies were tucked up in their beds, my
wine was cold and the weather was looking good for Sunday. I
had a, “life is good,” moment. But sometimes…sometimes, I think waaaayy too
much. When my world goes quiet, my brain flicks to ON. This is the sort of
stuff that sometimes crowds my happy thoughts and regularly keeps me awake at
3am. I am hoping I am not alone on this….

I
am terrified my beautiful child will sit alone at school lunchtime. Will s/he
be the kid the others laugh at and then walk away? Will this amazing child of
ours have no mates? And even worse, will it be justified?

I
am terrified of the whole ‘return to work’ think. I fear the longer I leave it,
the harder it will get and the more confidence I lose. I want to contribute to
society by using my hard earned skills and I definitely want/need to earn money
again. I am craving to slap on some lipstick, work clothes with a sensible heel
and HAVE A LUNCHBREAK! But, at the same time, the thought of going back freaks
me out. How on earth could I juggle both ‘jobs’ when I struggle to keep the
balls in the air for one? I have worked with many amazingly talented mums and I
could easily see their skill base is completely extended in so many ways after
kids, however, right now, I feel my kids consume me a little bit..no…a lot.
How do I, or should I, distance that? When is the ‘right’ time? And aren’t I
bloody lucky I have the luxury of even asking that at this point?

We
are raising kids in a time of issues such as cyber bullying and toxic drugs
like ICE. I know there are strategies and a huge amount of valuable
information, support and advice on this stuff; but God help us. Not my child.
Please.

I
do want my kids to like me. I do want them to choose to hang out with me sometimes
as they get older. But, I do not want to blur the boundaries and lower expectations
in order to achieve this. I expect this will be hugely challenging…I even
annoy me sometimes. Please let my cuddles, cranky car singing and exceptionally
funny jokes be enough to get me through here.

Serious
illness. Makes my heart ache. You get it. Enough said.

I have sat on the other side of the desk at Parent-Teacher interviews many a time and seen this first hand. Please, PLEASE do not let me become that ‘one-eyed’ parent who cannot believe my child is capable of any wrong doing and points the finger of blame at everyone and everything else.

My kids are here because Husband and I made them together. I fear getting so stupidly busy we fail to make time for each other. I fear forgetting that huge smile he gave me as I stood at the top of the Church on our Wedding day.

There
are days I desperately wish for time alone. Just me. But I know (because every
lovely older person at the supermarket tells me) that these are the best days
of my life. So I know that the day my child packs his/her bag to leave home, I
will be terrified and achingly lonely before they even walk out the door. I am so
frightened of all those crazily scary people and things outside our four walls
that I cannot shield our kids from.

Sorry
to spill that one on you, friends, but I trust I am not completely irrational and you
might relate to some of these (and sadly that list is just a tip of the
iceberg). I completely accept that these are first world problems and that we
are truly the lucky ones, but tell that to my brain at 3am. I know that all I
can do is hope that doing my best will be good enough and that our kids meet wonderful,
inspiring people along the way. I hope, that when they are older and they look
back on these days, that they will do so with a smile…and even a little giggle.