I
really think the story about the stork delivering babies is magnificent…Sure…that method worked for me. Heck…I would have even headed into the cabbage
patch for one, because I soon discovered that having a baby really, bloody hurts. It hurts in a way
you never dreamed about and you never imagined possible. Your loving partner,
though having maybe experienced pain and suffering in his life before, will
never truly comprehend what it feels like to have a baby ripping its path out
of an exit that is simply inconceivable.
really think the story about the stork delivering babies is magnificent…Sure…that method worked for me. Heck…I would have even headed into the cabbage
patch for one, because I soon discovered that having a baby really, bloody hurts. It hurts in a way
you never dreamed about and you never imagined possible. Your loving partner,
though having maybe experienced pain and suffering in his life before, will
never truly comprehend what it feels like to have a baby ripping its path out
of an exit that is simply inconceivable.
Even now the memory is making my eyes start to water.
We
all know it hurts.
all know it hurts.
But
most importantly, we all know that at the end of it all, when you are handed
that squishy, tiny body, you are blessed beyond words.
most importantly, we all know that at the end of it all, when you are handed
that squishy, tiny body, you are blessed beyond words.
So here it is for you…the day my body split in to a zillion pieces and was then miraculously glued back together by my tears of joy and a bursting heart. Well…almost…
Oh those luxurious days of maternity leave before children! This consisted
of waving Husband farewell from bed as he headed off to work, rolling over and snuggling back to sleep, maybe
a slow stroll for a hot chocolate, lying on the couch watching movies, long
afternoon naps, bubble baths in the evening, allowing Husband to fuss and feed
and foot rub. That mad nesting thing I read about? The one where you start
cleaning the oven and scrubbing windows? Never happened for me. I was huge
(& happy about my size for once), content and spoilt and I was in no rush for
this baby to arrive….and so naturally my little one started his descent
early. Still within the safety of the drop zone, but early nonetheless. My
waters broke slightly (no ‘movie moment’ middle of the shopping aisle gush) and
so I was to attend the hospital the next day to be induced. How civilised! No
dramatic traffic choked race to the hospital. I had a date, a time and possibly
a naive level of excitement to go with it.
of waving Husband farewell from bed as he headed off to work, rolling over and snuggling back to sleep, maybe
a slow stroll for a hot chocolate, lying on the couch watching movies, long
afternoon naps, bubble baths in the evening, allowing Husband to fuss and feed
and foot rub. That mad nesting thing I read about? The one where you start
cleaning the oven and scrubbing windows? Never happened for me. I was huge
(& happy about my size for once), content and spoilt and I was in no rush for
this baby to arrive….and so naturally my little one started his descent
early. Still within the safety of the drop zone, but early nonetheless. My
waters broke slightly (no ‘movie moment’ middle of the shopping aisle gush) and
so I was to attend the hospital the next day to be induced. How civilised! No
dramatic traffic choked race to the hospital. I had a date, a time and possibly
a naive level of excitement to go with it.
I
waddled in to hospital the next day bursting with child and pride. Make way indeed; lady
with a baby coming through…giving birth today…I felt like I was the only
pregnant woman in the world right now. I was checked in, gowned up and hooked
up. Easy peasy. Was this it? Watching ‘The Today Show’, ogling Karl
inappropriately, giggling nervously with Husband, making pathetic gags with the
midwives (well obviously I wanted them to LIKE me! No; LOVE me!). I had some
mild period cramps; little disconcerting, but whatever….
waddled in to hospital the next day bursting with child and pride. Make way indeed; lady
with a baby coming through…giving birth today…I felt like I was the only
pregnant woman in the world right now. I was checked in, gowned up and hooked
up. Easy peasy. Was this it? Watching ‘The Today Show’, ogling Karl
inappropriately, giggling nervously with Husband, making pathetic gags with the
midwives (well obviously I wanted them to LIKE me! No; LOVE me!). I had some
mild period cramps; little disconcerting, but whatever….
ThenKAPOW! (we watch a lot of superhero shows nowadays and those special effects
are absolutely perfect for most situations I find…)
Breathe breathe breathe…..
Look,
I’m tipping most of you have been here…you’ve heard about it, you’ve held
your wives hand or you’re reading the books….
I’m tipping most of you have been here…you’ve heard about it, you’ve held
your wives hand or you’re reading the books….
Breathe breathe breathe…GAS? GAS? GAS?
Isn’t there Gas for this??
Isn’t there Gas for this??
Seriously…my
birth plan was embarrassing. My secret pain management strategy was to mentally
list the countries we’d travelled to in our ‘trip of a lifetime’ the previous
year…I figured distraction would get me across the line and into my ‘special
place’…Mate; I don’t think I left Tullamarine airport…
birth plan was embarrassing. My secret pain management strategy was to mentally
list the countries we’d travelled to in our ‘trip of a lifetime’ the previous
year…I figured distraction would get me across the line and into my ‘special
place’…Mate; I don’t think I left Tullamarine airport…
Breathe breathe breathe…just keep
breathing…I was disappearing inside myself….
breathing…I was disappearing inside myself….
In
breezed the Obstetrician; she calmly smiled, fluffed my pillows, checked a few
tubes and breezed out…
breezed the Obstetrician; she calmly smiled, fluffed my pillows, checked a few
tubes and breezed out…
Out?? You’re leaving me like this? This
is ‘proceeding as NORMAL??’
is ‘proceeding as NORMAL??’
It
was left to the midwives to smile and head under the gown. It’s amazing how quickly all pride and shame about ones bits and pieces goes out the window once that baby is coming. That initial moment of discomfort and slight embarrassment as the midwife inspected my vagina for dilation early on in the piece, was soon replaced by me begging her to check…surely it’s at 10cm now, surely it’s at 10cm now…. If this looking and poking and prodding gets this baby out, be my guest, Lady.
was left to the midwives to smile and head under the gown. It’s amazing how quickly all pride and shame about ones bits and pieces goes out the window once that baby is coming. That initial moment of discomfort and slight embarrassment as the midwife inspected my vagina for dilation early on in the piece, was soon replaced by me begging her to check…surely it’s at 10cm now, surely it’s at 10cm now…. If this looking and poking and prodding gets this baby out, be my guest, Lady.
“Well done, Anna,” she cooed. “You’re 4cm dilated now. You’re doing really well.”
4? 4??!! You are WRONG, my friend, WRONG!!!
Anyway,
back to my NORMAL labour…
back to my NORMAL labour…
You
may unfriend me right now, but, YES, I took drugs. I took whatever they would
give me and was left waiting for more. I regret I left the epidural option too
late in my first labour. I sucked on gas, I floated on harder stuff and I was still rudely
interrupted by body splitting contractions. A million hours later, it was show
time. This baby was heading south whilst holding on to every one of my internal
organs. I was shattered, but a flicker of fighting spirit registered that now
was the time to batter up. Husband gripped my hand and coached me like it was the final quarter of a footy grand final, and weirdly, that helped. My brain felt like it was pushing out my eyeballs,
but I pushed like a mad woman nonetheless. Baby, I love you, but please GET
OUT! Just when I truly believed I could not go on (I do believe I even begged
for forceps at this point…who does that??) my new best friend mid-wife
exclaimed, “One More Push!!”
may unfriend me right now, but, YES, I took drugs. I took whatever they would
give me and was left waiting for more. I regret I left the epidural option too
late in my first labour. I sucked on gas, I floated on harder stuff and I was still rudely
interrupted by body splitting contractions. A million hours later, it was show
time. This baby was heading south whilst holding on to every one of my internal
organs. I was shattered, but a flicker of fighting spirit registered that now
was the time to batter up. Husband gripped my hand and coached me like it was the final quarter of a footy grand final, and weirdly, that helped. My brain felt like it was pushing out my eyeballs,
but I pushed like a mad woman nonetheless. Baby, I love you, but please GET
OUT! Just when I truly believed I could not go on (I do believe I even begged
for forceps at this point…who does that??) my new best friend mid-wife
exclaimed, “One More Push!!”
And
with a pop and a slither (oh…don’t forget the episi-what the fuck?-tomy)…our
world was forever changed. Husband teared up and I grabbed my son with a
shudder and a heart quake. He had red hair, swollen eyes and he was perfect. He was here with
us at last.
with a pop and a slither (oh…don’t forget the episi-what the fuck?-tomy)…our
world was forever changed. Husband teared up and I grabbed my son with a
shudder and a heart quake. He had red hair, swollen eyes and he was perfect. He was here with
us at last.
Thank
you, stork….for NOTHING!
you, stork….for NOTHING!
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